The Name Game

Many of you may remember the song, “The Name Game.”  It got up to number 3 in the 1960s. It was written by Shirley Ellis with Lincoln Chase and performed by Ellis.   Basically, the singer would take someone’s name and insert it into the tune, substituting certain standard letters for different parts of the name.

For my name it would go like this: Scott, Scott, Bō Bott.  Banana Fanna Fō Fott, Fe Fi Mō Mott, Sco-o-ott.  For David it would go David, David, Bō Bavid.  Banana Fanna Fō Favid, Fe Fi Mō Mavid.  Da-vid.

Some names are more fun than others.  Try Jake, Sugar, Danny, and Bart.  Others are funnier but I can’t mention them here.  I try to keep it family-friendly.

But some people’s names don’t need a tune to get some attention, and more than a few laughs.

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One such name came to my attention late in 2018 when a Texas mother raised a ruckus over her daughter’s treatment by a Southwest Airlines employee.  The gate agent not only laughed and pointed out the name to other workers but took a picture of the girl’s boarding pass and posted it to social media, mocking the child.

The five-year-old was named Abcde, which is pronounced “ab-si-dee.”

Now, I’m not making fun of the poor little girl.  I think her name actually sounds lyrical and sweet, but I have to wonder if the mother, or whoever named little Abcde, chose that spelling to get attention.

When you do that you can’t be certain you’ll get the kind of attention that you want.

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I’ll tell you right now that I’ve done my research and the following names are true to the best of my knowledge.  Others came from my own life experiences.

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As a youngster I learned that there used to be two mortuaries with interesting names in my home town.  When they joined to form a single funeral parlor, they also combined names to become the Knight and Day Mortuary.

I couldn’t locate a more definite reference, but I did see a birth announcement once for a boy whose last name was Knight, so of course, his parents named him Jed I.  He’ll probably end up hating Star Wars.

A law firm, Sullivan and Cromwell LLP in New York has an associate named Sue Yoo.  She probably would too.

One of my aunts told me about a man who lived in the area when she was younger who went by his initials.  She said he got plenty of attention when he introduced himself as I.P. Freely.  I’ll bet he did.

Some women have interesting names because of the man they married.  Such was the case when a friend whose last name is Cain married a girl named Candy.  I have a cousin who also married a girl named Candy.  His last name is Corn.

I just welcomed a new member to one of the Facebook groups I’m a member of.  As a writer, I instantly noticed that her name was Paige Turner. 

You figure Mrs. Love had to know her son would get teased when she gave him the first name, Mister.  What she may not have known was how counter-prophetic that name would be.  Mister Love is registered as a sex offender in Cincinnati, Ohio.

A slightly less disgusting crime took place in Singapore when a man was caught on security cameras sneaking into a store to steal about $400 worth of merchandise.  With a name like Batman bin Suparman, you figure there’s a movie in the offing.  By the way, his name translates to Batman son of Superman.

On the Smithfield, Virginia police department there’s a detective who could investigate the crime.  Just don’t tease Burt Nurney about his name.  I figure he’s not a big fan of Sesame Street either.

In the 1970s and 80s there was an electronics parts representative for the Centronics Corporation whose name was, I kid you not, D.C. Current.  He swore it was his actual birth name and that his father was A.C. Current. 

Shocked?

Otto Moe Beal used to run a service station in Illinois.

I don’t think working for the Iraqi government would be fun, but one has to wonder how Brigadier General Saad Maan likes being the military spokesperson.  Somehow I doubt he’s happy about it.

A few years ago, there was a young lady who played volleyball for the University of Texas by the name of Destinee Hooker.  She also won the 2010 FIVB World Championship and took a silver medal at the 2012 Olympic Games so I don’t think teasing about her name has held her back too much.

It could be worse.  Your name could be normal where you come from but, if you want to drive a taxi in New York City, Phat Ho might not be a name you would want to put on your placard.

I saw a news report once in Louisiana.  They interviewed a resident of Lake Norman whose name was Bud Light.  You figure he’s not a big soft-drink fan.

Wikipedia lists a composer in the music industry named Christian Paul Bacon.  He is sometimes listed in the credits as Chris P. Bacon.  Mmmm.

Ben Dover owns a real estate agency in Jackson, Georgia.

I don’t know if she’s still there but at one time Sandy Botham was the girls’ basketball coach at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.  You’d think beach volleyball would be her chosen sport.

The University of Rhode Island is home to a distinguished history professor whose married name is Joëlle Rollo-Koster.  I’ll bet her career has had its ups and downs.

Speaking of marriages, when Shelby Warde and Joe Looney were married in Salem, Oregon in 2005, the paper announced it as the Looney-Warde wedding. 

In Frederick, Maryland Rachel Harr married Daniel Hardy.  I’m sure the Hardy-Harr wedding was good for a few laughs.

Ann Klaessy (pronounced “classy”) married a man whose last name was Ho, thus becoming A. Klaessy-Ho.

When Kathy Lamp married one of the Shade brothers, she couldn’t resist hyphenating her last name, thus becoming Kathy Lamp-Shade.

Brock Lee works for Intrade Industries in Fresno, California.  I wonder if his job is distasteful.

There was a specialist with the Apple Store in Vancouver, B.C. a few years back.  He is no longer with them but I have to think that perhaps his name, Sam Sung, had something to do with his departure.

William “Bill” Lear was the inventor of the Lear Jet.  One has to wonder if he was aware how it would sound when he and his wife Moya named one of their daughters Shanda.

I’ll bet you’ve already heard of the lady who had perhaps the most famous funny real name in history.  James Steven Hogg, former governor of Texas, did indeed have a daughter named Ima, but you may be disappointed to hear that Ima did not have a sister named Ura.

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Ima Hogg was too busy with humanitarian causes to marry, so she may never have had cause to use the company that is my final offering for this post.  With the motto, “Redefining Excellence” I give you Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe LLP, a law firm which has operated in New York City since 1876.

I wonder if their receptionist surprises new customers when she answers telephone calls with, “Do we cheat em’?  And how!”

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OK, one more.  When our youngest son was born we chose to name him William Patrick after one of my cousins and an uncle.  I told Annie it was too bad he didn’t have a twin sister.  We could have named her Elizabeth Wilhemina.

Before she could throw anything at me for wishing another set of twins on her, I explained, “Think about the nicknames.”

She looked puzzled, so I clarified, “Willie P and Betty Will.”

She still didn’t think it was as funny as I did.

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