Dad Jokes

Annie was driving as we were on our way to visit our new twin grandbabies.  Since I was in the co-pilot seat I was free to read bumper stickers and personalized license plates.  A coal-colored Jeep passed us and the plate caught my eye.  It said, “BAA BAA”.  I said out loud, “Baa baa black Jeep!” then I noticed the bumper sticker.  “I’m the black Jeep of the family.”

Without even seeing the driver, I knew it had to be a man, more specifically, a dad.

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Dads have developed a reputation for enjoying jokes that are frequently greeted with groans, sarcastic laughs, and mild protestations from their kids and grandkids.

Later that week, I was in full dad joke mode as I walked through Bass Pro Shops Wonders of Wildlife Museum with our son, Bobby, and his son.  Richard was enthusiastic but uneducated about many of the creatures we saw.  His curiosity gave me a few perfect opportunities to exercise my dad-joke enthusiasm.  He peered through the glass at a huge ‘gator and said, “Look at the big crocodile, Pa!”

“It’s an alligator,” I corrected.

He asked, “What’s the difference?”

I went through some obvious dissimilarities for Richard, then turned to his dad and said more quietly, “Of course, the easiest way to tell them apart is when they’re walking away.  Yell, ‘Good bye!’ and wait to see whether they say ‘see you later,’ or ‘after while.’”

Bobby groaned but I could see him mentally stashing the joke in his brain for later.  After all, he’s a dad too.

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I recently joined a Facebook group called, “Bad Dad Jokes” ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/680076118796502/ ).  As I read I jotted down some of the better ones…and there were a lot of them.  Below are a few I thought you might like.  I made some modifications to some to clarify or emphasize them.

Enjoy.

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When a bad joke becomes a dad joke, it’s apparent.

Did you know there’s one word spelled wrong in every dictionary?  It’s true, and there’s only one word spelled right too.

Did you hear they left the word gullible out of the dictionary this year? Go check. I’ll wait.

I just bought a thesaurus and all the pages are blank.  I can’t even begin to describe how angry I am.

Rest in peace, boiled water.  You will be mist.

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What mouse walks on two legs.

I don’t know, what?

Mickey Mouse.  What duck walks on two legs?

Donald Duck?

Nope.  All ducks walk on two legs…and you say I’m stupid.

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Where do astronauts hang out on a computer keyboard?  The space bar.

I before e, except after c…and except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.  Weird, huh?

When is a door not a door?  When it’s ajar!

When does a car stop being a car?  When it turns into a driveway!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?  He sold his soul to Santa. 

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?  He’s not sure there really is a dog.

They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.  Wrong!  So far I’ve made three jugs and a vase and they’re perfect!

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A woman made an emergency call on her phone.  “Is this Poison Control?  My daughter was playing with paper dolls and she ate all the Wild West figures.  Should I induce vomiting?”

The lady on the other end replied calmly, “Mama, don’t let your babies throw up 2D cowboys.”

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When somebody throws something at President Trump, does the secret service yell, “Donald, duck!”?

When women get to a certain age, they start accumulating cats.  It’s called Many-Paws.

Why shouldn’t you tell jokes while you’re ice skating?  Because you don’t want to be out there when the ice cracks up.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

I’m thinking of becoming a hitman.  I hear they make a killing.

Last night I had these nightmares about career choices.  I couldn’t decide between being a salad chef or a lathe operator.  I tossed and turned all night.

I tried gardening this year.  In the end nothing survived except asparagus… tons and tons of asparagus.  I told our kids, “This is the dawning of the age of asparagus, age of asparagu-u-u-us, asparagu-u-u-us, aspa-a-ara-gu-u-us.”

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife’s spice rack.  I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I’ve been telling everyone about the many benefits of eating dried grapes.  It’s all about raisin awareness.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?  They’re making headlines.

I’ve invented a new game – quiet tennis.  It’s pretty much like regular tennis, but without the racquet.

No need to thank me for introducing you to minimalism…it was the least I could do!

Why do dogs float in the water?  Because they’re such good buoys, yes they are!

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A nurse walks into the doctor’s office.  “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible.” 

The doc replied, “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

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Only a fraction of people find math jokes funny.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Alcohol and calculus should never mix.  Don’t drink and derive.

How did the math professor get a bank loan?  He had someone cosine it.

What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 meters long?  A Pi Thon.

If you have a pizza with the radius ‘z’ and height ‘a’ it has a volume of pi zz a.

Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?  He worked it out with a pencil.

If you eat three cans of Alphabet Soup, will you have a large vowel movement?

Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships?  So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

The police said people were disappearing from a clothing factory.  They aren’t sure why but they’re beginning to see a pattern.

I’m fat, but I identify as skinny.  I’m trans-slender.

Before surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or hit me over the head with a boat paddle.  It was an ether/oar situation.

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?  He wanted to get a long little doggie.

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

What does a frayed extension cord wear?  Shorts.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?  Anna One, Anna Two…

I Googled, “how to start a fire”.  I got 50,000 matches.

I made up a new word!  Plagiarism!

Don’t you hate it when you go to the airport and everyone has better looking luggage than you?  It’s a worst-case scenario.

A midget was left speechless after being pickpocketed.  He never believed anyone would stoop so low.

Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?  Because they’re meteor.

Did you know there’s a restaurant on the moon?  It’s got great food but no atmosphere.

“I’m reading a fascinating book about anti-gravity.  I can’t put it down.

Do you know how the people in Dubai and Abu Dhabi differ?  The ones in Dubai don’t watch The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do!

I wanted to throw in a philosophical pun, but I Kant.  I feel like such a Freud.  I hope you’re not too Jung to understand.

I was going to tell you a knife joke, but it’s pointless.

I meant to tell a joke about oil, but it slipped my mind.

I considered including a joke about carpentry, but I didn’t think it woodwork.

Want to hear a joke about paper?  Never mind, it’s tearable.

I saw a guy today walking around with candy bars taped to his arms.  He wasn’t real smart but he did have some Twix up his sleeve.

How do you make an octopus laugh?  With ten tickles.

How can you tell a tree is a dogwood?  By its bark.

Never trust a tree with a secret.  They’re far too shady.

If a bull gets knighted, does he become Sir Loin?

I married a girl with a glass eye.  She’s the one-eye love.

My wife said she wanted some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

My wife is mad because she said that I have no sense of direction.  So I just packed up my stuff and right.

My wife said she’s going to leave me because of my love of old American sitcoms.  Happy Days!

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.  It doesn’t bother me though; it’s hair loss.

My friends set me up on a blind date with a girl who had a wooden leg.  I broke it off.

My friend with a lisp passed away.  He’ll be miffed.

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

How do you make a water bed more comfortable?  Add some more spring water.

Why was the baby bug confused?  Because all his uncles were ants.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?  He got a little behind in his work.  He’s fine now.

I saw a tv show about the pyramids.  It was interesting up to a point.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?  In Nazis.

Why is the shovel so famous?  It was a ground-breaking invention.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler.  I woke up exhausted.

If you wash off your Hoover, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?

I had to sell my vacuum cleaner.  All it was doing was collecting dust.

Why was six afraid of seven?  Because seven eight nine.

Can February March?  No, but April May.

Meet my step ladder.  I never knew my real ladder.

I used to really love the hokie pokie.  I thought that’s what it’s all about. I really got addicted to it, but I turned myself around.

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During the drive at the start of this post, I heard a news report that started me thinking, and I came up with a dad joke of my own. 

General Mark A. Millet, Chief of Staff of the Army, lost half his left foot in combat.  He was recently chosen as the test subject to receive a prosthetic foot, from mid-foot to the end.  The appendage was designed by a famous Japanese automaker which has just gotten into the field of prosthetics.  Scientists are carefully watching, listening, smelling, and talking about any problems they night find.  They are keeping their eyes and ears and mouth and nose on the head soldier’s Nissan toes.

Hey, don’t make fun of me because I like dad jokes.  After all, that’s how eye roll.

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