You’ve Been Warned

We’ve all commented on our country’s litigious society, with people suing others for just about anything.

Because of this rampant litigiousness many, if not most, companies have reacted by putting warning labels on their products.  It’s logical for them to try to avoid legal action which could put them out of business.

Like most of you I tend to ignore the warnings…but sometimes I can’t help it.

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That afliction has lead to some interesting, confusing, eye-opening moments.

I mean, how would I have known, if I hadn’t read the warning label stuck to the side of a wheelbarrow, that it was, “Not intended for highway use.”

Seriously, how am I supposed to get that wheelbarrow load of chicken manure to my son’s garden in Oklahoma?

Oh, yeah…truck.  Oops.

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When I stopped to get gas for my car one day I broke down and bought a cup of truck-stop coffee.  It wasn’t half-bad, but I nearly chocked when I read the outside of the cup.  The lettering on the side plainly said, and I kid you not, “Avoid pouring on the crotch area.”

I started laughing so hard I almost spilled my coffee…yeah, you know where.

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I have started a little tradition of buying a jog stroller for each of my sons before their first child is born.  That way they and their spouses can maintain their current level of fitness without having to spend the extra cash.

One of the strollers came to my house instead of shipping directly to my son, so I was interested to read one of the warnings.  I certainly hope my son read and heeded the advice before putting the stroller away.  It entreated the new parent to, “Remove child before folding.”

Yeah.

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While the parents of my new grandkids are learning about childrearing, I also hope they pay attention to the tag on children’s thermometer that said, “Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.”

Yuck!

Now, I’m pretty sure my sons are smart enough not to confuse that particular thermometer rotation.

I’m likewise certain that my sons are intelligent enough to pass on a job from another company that sells rectal thermometers with the label announcing, “Personally tested for your satisfaction.”

And I thought my job was tough.  How could somebody face going to work every day knowing that you were going to spend eight hours personally testing rectal thermometers.  Do I really want to know what said testing involves?

I think not.

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Speaking of children, have you noticed the warning on dishwashers entreating the purchaser, “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”

C’mon now, if a young couple only has enough money for a dishwasher or a swing set, why not let the dishwasher do double-duty?

In a similar vein, a clothes washing machine has a label commanding the buyer, “Do not put any person in this washer.”

When Annie and I were raising our six sons there were many days when they came inside after a long day of digging in the dirt, swimming in mud holes, and wrestling pigs (for all I know), it sure could have been a boon for bathtime to pop ‘em in the clothes washer and run ‘em through a few cycles.

Just kidding…kind of.

There were other expenses intrinsic to raising kids that really added up.  Dental for one.  Five of our boys required braces and the same number had the usual number of cavities that required fillings, not to mention broken teeth that had to be capped.

Any ideas I may have had about some do-it-yourself dentistry were cut short when I noticed that one of my power drills had a note in the owner’s manual that said, “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”

That gave me an idea and I checked out my Dremel (a tiny drill for craft work) only to find a warning that, “This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.  Serious personal injury may result”

Dang it!

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A few years ago when we were preparing for our first annual Grandsons’ Week our plans included taking the boys fishing.  We bought some Spider Man fishing poles and some little tackle boxes.  These we stocked with soft lures, bobbers, and sinkers.

Know what?  The sinkers had a warning to users, “Do not eat as it contains lead.”

Sinkers?  Lead?  Who’d have thought?

Oh, but we weren’t finished with the sinkers.  Imagine my amazement that the fishing hoods were, “Harmful if swallowed.”

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Looking for a wedding gift?  How about a hair dryer for the bride?  The Vidal Sassoon Hairdryer warns, “Do not use while sleeping.”

Wow, that’s not a time-saver at all.

Maybe you could buy the couple a new electric iron.  Rowenta sold their iron with the warning, “Do not iron while wearing shirt.”

Wow.  Now we’re back to doing just one thing at a time.  No more ironing our clothes while on the run.

Seriously, Rowenta was contacted about that warning and spokesperson Jennifer Gear admitted that the company hadn’t actually been sued by people who burned themselves while wearing the clothing they were ironing, but she said the company wasn’t taking any chances.  “As silly as it sounds, people do iron skirts when they’re running out the door and get burned,” she says. “(The warning label) is there for a good reason.”

If you say so.

But I know something else your newlywed friends can’t use their iron for.  I looked at the back of a lottery ticket I found.  It had notifications on back that the buyer shouldn’t mutilate their tickets, and they should keep them dry and avoid heat.  Those made sense to me but there was another that warned the purchaser not to iron the ticket.

Really, do people DO that?

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Have you noticed those little bundles of logs shrink-wrapped in front of some convenience stores?  They’re handy for town-dwellers who don’t have easy-access to trees. 

Anyway, you’ve seen them, but have you ever read the labels on them?  I read one that said, “Caution: risk of fire.”

Hmmm.

Inside one of those convenience stores was a package of lighters for building that fire with those fireplace logs.  It warned, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks.”

You know, they’re kind of taking the fun out of having a fireplace, aren’t they?

Speaking of fire, when we’re at the cabin, I sometimes build a charcoal fire so we can grill up some delicious burgers or steaks.  I was thinking of doing that within the next few days and bought some Best Choice Odorless Charcoal Lighter Fluid.  You got it, there was a warning, “Danger: Combustible Mixture.”

I’m pretty good at building a fire in the woods but sometimes when Annie and I have piled up a bunch of brush we want to burn, I haven’t had time to build said pile in the most propitious manner.  So, to save time and reach places that are difficult to reach, I’ll sometimes use a propane torch. 

A few weeks ago, we bought a new propane torch.  I removed it from the packaging and noticed a sticker that said, “Do not use it on yourself.”

OK, so there was one disaster averted, but I attached a canister of propane and noticed that it had a tag saying, “Contents may catch fire.”

Given the whole purpose of the torch, I wasn’t sure if it was a warning or a guarantee.

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Warning or guarantee?

GlaxoSmithKline is a company that produces multiple health care substances.  When you are struggling with insomnia you might reach for one of their products, Nytol sleep aid.  I guess, just in case the buyer forgets why he/she bought it, there is a warning on the box, “May cause drowsiness.”

Yeah.

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Some warnings are silly or just plain dumb, but some go completely over the edge.  Staples used to sell a letter opener that said on the packaging, “Safety goggles recommended.”

Amy Sandler, spokesperson for Staples, said it was actually a misprint.  She explained, “The label is meant for our retractable box cutter, where the blades might slide off.  Package redesigns are currently being shipped to Staples and Staples.com with the correct ‘Keep out of reach of children’ warning.”

I guess a misprint is also an explanation for the box I turned over to find, printed on the bottom, “Do not turn upside down.” 

I’m not saying that the box should have been turned upside down but, shouldn’t that warning have been somewhere it could be read before I turned it over?

Just sayin’.

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I don’t know where all veterinarians get the medicine they give out to their patients, but I have to assume some of them go through the same pharmacological company that makes meds for human use.

That’s the only explanation I can come up with for the bottle of dog medicine with the warning label, “May cause drowsiness.  Alcohol may intensify this effect.  Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery.”

Either that or I’ve been misjudging my own dogs for a long time.  That and I should enroll them in a 12-step program…and take away their car keys.

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I have found dozens more of these “wacky warnings” but I think I’ll save those for another day and leave you with some words of wisdom from Professional Quality Rooto.  On their package, they warn, “Before using, read directions, cautions, and warnings careful.  If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions, and warnings, do not use this product.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

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