Answers to My Readers

When I posted, “I’m Sorry,” I had no idea how much support I would get from my readers.  Yes, I already knew that my readers are among the best, smartest, highest quality people in the world.

But still, I was taken aback.

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Your empathy and the heartfelt way you all commiserated with me, was humbling.

Yup, I have the greatest readership in the world.

I started to answer everyone beneath their original comments, as I normally do, but I know that most of my readers don’t choose to receive notification when I reply to their comments, and I feel that this time it is particularly important that I answer questions, address your comments, and, yes, clarify the meaning within my post.

I will begin with each reader’s comment, accompanied by the name they post under.  Under that, I give my response.  I beg your patience.

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Eve said, “Heartbreaking…….it so hurts when I see farms for sale. What a lovely, heartbreaking post!”

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My response to Eve: Yes, it is heartbreaking.  Although this one is more poignant than most, I also hate to see other farms sold too.  I found out a couple days ago that the man who purchased our farm has since split it and sold it in three pieces to three other people.  One thing Dad told me several times as that he hated seeing farms broken up, and now to see his own farm broken into four pieces…  It’s kind of like Mom and Dad are being disrespected after their passing.  This farm they worked so hard for and loved so much will most likely be impossible to reassemble in my lifetime.

Yes, Heartbreaking is a good word for it.

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Dottie  said, “I read this with tears in my eyes. Money means more to some than family, traditions, and values. Always remember, what goes around comes around. And it will! I say you did all you could. Keep the faith. I am sure your parents would not blame you.

Thanks for sharing this heart felt memory.”

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My response to Dottie: Thank you for your kindness.  While it would be easy to wish bad things for those who took the opposite side of this disagreement, I really don’t.  Everyone in this situation did what they thought was right, even though our upbringing seems to say otherwise.  I’m not trying to tell you that this all doesn’t still bother me.  It does.  I’m saying I still love my family…every member of it.  I also still want my parents’ greatest desire, that the family not break apart over this, to work out.  I’m not saying it will be easy, though.  It’s difficult to heal if the wound keeps getting reopened.  Yes, every time I go outside the house, I am reminded that Mom and Dad’s farm has been broken up, and it hurts…every time.

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Flo said, “How heart-breaking this post is! I too am so sorry for the end results of your beloved family farm and all of the wonderful memories that you have of it. Your parents can rest assured that you did everything they asked of you, even tho it didn’t work. When the money is all spent, that family member will regret the decision they made and the hurt they inflicted upon your family…not to mention they severed their close family bond by being greedy. But they can never take away your precious memories of the farm and the fact that your character and actions speak volumes for the real people that you and Annie are. Your mom and dad would be so proud of your efforts to keep the farm in the family! God has truly blessed you and in the end you two are indeed the winners!!”

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My response to Flo: Thanks Flo.  I really appreciate it that you feel Mom and Dad would understand that we tried.

While I do hope everyone involved comes to a clear understanding of what they did, I truly don’t want anyone to suffer for it.

Thanks also for the kind words about Annie’s and my family.  This in no way will take away from the closeness we feel to one another.  We continue to pull together to battle the problems a large family has in everyday life.  As far as Annie and me, I know there are some things that could come between us, but this ain’t it.

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Deonna said, “My heart just breaks for you. I know that the death of family members can bring out greed and separation. Hang tight to those wonderful memories.

Know that I love you and will always be here for you all.

“I know how sad this whole thing makes you because I know your heart. All I can say is make new memories and cherish the old. Memories get me through some hard times.”

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My response to Deonna: Little sister, your words are so clear, strong, and absolutely correct.  Part of the pain is that I do cherish those memories of my parents and all the time we spent together, both on the farm and otherwise.  On the other side, I still enjoy thinking about the great experiences we had, especially the many that bring laughs.  Like the time Dad was upset because he couldn’t find the cattle anywhere.  As he walked back to the barn where I had just arrived and gotten out of my car, the whole herd filed out of the low, wet spot where they had been cooling off.

Dad was fretting over the loss of a whole herd of cattle.  When I pointed out to him that they were all on the hillside behind him, I don’t know if he was madder at himself, the cattle, or me.

Yes, I have a lifetime of good memories and, thankfully, those were not sold along with the farm.  More than that, I have a wonderful, close-knit family full of life and always making great new memories.

After all, family is more important than all the money in the world.

Thanks for always being there for me.

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Scotty said, “I am sorry as well that you, and our immediate family, put as much work into that farm as we did but greed won out. With that being said, the memories and those of us who have decided to remain part of what is the “Matthews Bunch”, are more important to me than the land. Please hold your head high knowing you did all that you could, that you loved your parents, the family, and their wishes to the best of your ability.

“You, grannymother, and grandpa did not deserve this but thank you for being the man that you are and holding true to your values. I love you dad and am proud of you.”

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My answer to Scotty: I worked alongside Mom and Dad as they managed to pay off the farm in only five years.  That’s more than $10,000 a year they made and paid on it.  That doesn’t even count the money they put into fixing it up, buying a tractor and implements, putting in crops then paying to get them harvested, etc., etc., etc.

Yes, greed did win out in that we had to sell the farm we loved so much, but greed lost out big time in that it actually strengthened the resolve and determination, and tightened the bonds, of the members of the family who actually want to support one another.  As Friedrich Nietzsche said (and Kelly Clarkson sang), “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”  None of us would have wanted to lose the farm, but we will rebound just as our family has always done, and will get stronger, and closer, because of it.

A clear example of that is the deterioration of my mom’s health and her subsequent loss.  None of us would have wished any part of it.  Caring for Mom as she had a stroke, gradually lost her vision and independence, and moved into the little house next to us so that your Aunt Chickie, your mom, and I rearranged our lives around caring for her.  Then she weakened and had to enter the nursing home, where she continued to decline.  During those last months the three of us centered our lives around visits to her which became more and more about reminding her how good her life had been, how much she was loved, and trying to talk her out of her ever-deepening depression. 

Eventually we had to listen to her begging God to take her, alternating that with saying how much He hated her for her sins.

I could go on and on but the idea is that much of it was not good and none of us would have ever wished it upon Mom, or us either for that matter.  However, despite the bad aspects, there was some good that came from it.

For one, it gave the three of us time to get to know more about Mom and ourselves, as well as each other.  As you know, I found out things about myself that basically changed my whole life, as well as the lives of many of those closest to me.

Doubtless the best things that came from that time is that the relationship between Chickie, your mom, and me is stronger than it has ever been, at least in part because of the time spent coordinating Mom’s care.  We found that each of us was always willing to step up and “take up the slack” when one needed a break or had something else that just had to be done at a particular time.

Besides all that, after Mom’s passing, Chickie showed that she was willing to do whatever was in her power to help us keep the farm.  Several times, as your mom and I tried to work out some way, Chick showed herself willing to take less money, or agreed to let us pay her later or…well, pretty much anything, to help.  She proved herself to be every bit as unselfish as you, your mom, and your brothers are.

You are absolutely right that the family is more important than the farm.  I do mourn the loss of the land but, more than that, I regret my inability to carry out my parents’ wishes.  Looking past the regrets, though, the things that my family and I have gained from our experiences on that piece of land are things that can’t be taken from us.

Because our immediate family is so strong it’s hard to believe that not every family has what we have.  As you have heard me say many times over the years, if one of us has a problem, we all have a problem.  You could extend that to say, when one of us has a true need, we all have a need.  The way we have pulled together to support your family in Payden’s battle with leukemia is the same way all of my sons immediately made plans to come home when we were reroofing our house and the little house.  Not only did we reroof both houses in one day, but we made good progress on helping remodel the little house for Andy and Madison to live in.

When you and Erin lost your twins, all of us who could be there, were there.  Then, just a few short months later, when Travis and Danielle lost Adam, you and Erin immediately showed how unselfish you were by reopening the wounds of your own recent loss to help them deal with theirs.

Yes, my family has proven time and time again how close; how unselfish; how understanding; and how forgiving we all are.  The loss of the farm that Mom and Dad loved so much is painful, but not nearly as painful as some of the other losses our family has had to endure.  As the old Persian adage says, “This too shall pass.”  What won’t pass is the love and closeness we have in our family.

Thank you so much for the kind words and always know that I love you and am proud of you too.

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In closing, I want to reiterate what you all said.  The farm may be gone but the memories and the closeness it engendered in my family will last forever.  As long as Annie and I and our sons carry on the tradition of loving and caring for one another, and pass it on to their kids and grandkids as my parents did, Mom and Dad will never truly be gone.

Oh, and I was reminded that I have the most awesome readers in the world.

Thanks again.  I love you all.

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