Military Rules

During my time in the Marine Corps one of our favorite pastimes was making fun of other branches of the military.  I quickly learned that other branches had the same idea of fun. 

With Memorial Day coming up next week I thought I’d share a collection of military rules I was given a while back.  I didn’t write them and won’t try to take credit for their creation. 

Some of these are more serious than others.  Some are mainly directed at making fun of other service men and women.  All are sprinkled liberally with braggadocio.

I hope you get a chuckle out of them.

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Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.

5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a 4.

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend… (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

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US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.

2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.

3. Curse bitterly.

4. Curse bitterly.

5. Do not listen to 2nd lieutenants; it can get you killed.

6. Curse bitterly.

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US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

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US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what’s on HBO.

4. Ask, “What is a gunfight?”

5. Request more funding from Congress with a “killer” Power Point presentation.

6. Wine & dine ”key” Congressmen, invite Department of Defense and defense industry executives.

7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.

8. Declare the assets “strategic” and never deploy them operationally.

9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

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US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Deploy Marines

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Navy SEALs’ Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing within view.

3. Adjust Speedo.

4. Check hair in mirror.

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Coast Guard Rules

1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Insist to everyone you meet that you ARE in the military.

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It should be clear to you by now that these were written from the point of view of a Marine.  Other branches I’m sure have their own versions which, I’m equally sure, are less complementary of the Corps.  Oh, well, I know the truth.

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No less a great person than Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!”

I can’t argue with that.

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On a more serious note, I want to pass on my thanks to all the men and women currently serving, or who have ever served, in the United States military.  It is because of you that this is the great, free country that it is.  May God bless you all.

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