A Horse Walks Into a Bar

Those who know me understand that I do not drink alcohol.  I was raised a strict Southern Baptist and, although I have since strayed from some of the basic tenets, the rules against indulging in alcohol made sense to me; I still don’t believe in it.  I have good friends who do drink and I have close relatives who do.  I would rather they didn’t but I don’t judge them for it.

I’ll start this post with an honest admission; I’m a little jealous of my friends who drink.

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Why am I envious of my drinking friends if I’m a confirmed teetotaler?

The answer is simple.  They can tell “walks into a bar” jokes without feeling like hypocrites, while I can’t.

But I do it anyway…tell the jokes, that is.

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I mean, “walks into a bar” jokes are humorous perfection stripped to its bare minimum.  They are devoid of padding or pretense.  At their most basic, “walks into a bar” jokes follow a simple two line formula.  You know, “a blank walks into a bar” and somebody (usually the bartender) says, “blank”.

Like these:

A horse walks into a bar. 

The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

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A midget walks into a bar.  He says, “Ouch!”

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A five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey. This is a singles bar.”

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Two dragons walk into a bar. One says, “It’s hot in here.”

The other snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”

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A priest, a minister, and a Rabi walk into a bar. 

The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?”

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

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Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

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A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, “Have you been served?”

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A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?”

The cornstalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

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A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says, “I’ll have a beer, and one for the road.”

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Now, short and sweet can be great, but some “walks into a bar” jokes need a bit of introduction to set the listener up for the punch line, like these:

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”

The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”

The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”

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A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”

The bartender shakes his head, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The lion asks, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

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A three-legged dog wearing a cowboy hat and a six-shooter limps into a saloon.  He hobbles up to the bar and says, “I’m looking for the dirty son-of-a-gun who shot my paw.”

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Some “walks into a bar” jokes depend on surprise.  The setup takes the listener in one direction before the punch line hits him with something he’s heard before, but in a different, surprising way.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a tiny voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, but doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink, thinking nothing more of it.

A moment later another little voice says, “You seem like a really cool guy!”

Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voices have stopped, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”

The patron slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’re those voices I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

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Two friends are out walking their dogs. One has a big black lab, while the other has a tiny chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua owner complains, “That would be great, but I bet they don’t allow dogs in there.”

The first responds, “No problem.  Watch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, sounding offended.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

“But he’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies. “

Yeah, right,” the bartender scoffs, “A chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog? Give me a break.”

Without missing a beat, the woman exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

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Some of the punniest “walks into a bar” jokes require some education, like these.:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he gets his drink, he asks, “Bartender, how much do I owe you?”

The bartender replies, “You’re a neutron, right?  Then there’s no charge.”

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, “Uh oh, I’ve lost an electron

”The other says, “Are you sure?”

The first nods, “I’m positive.”

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Three statisticians walk into a bar

The bartender asks, “Do you all want a drink”?

The first one says, “I don’t know.”

The second one says, “I don’t know.”

And the third one says, “Yes.”

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E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

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A mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender yells, “We don’t allow mushrooms in here!”

The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fungi!”

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Past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The barman says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…

It can’t be a coincidence.

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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.

The rabbit says “I have no idea.  I’m only here because of autocorrect”.

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Two scientists walk into a bar

The first one says, “I think I’ll just have an H2O.”

The second scientist says, “I’ll have an H2O too.”

The second guys dies.

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Yes, the pun, that time-honored comedic device, is so common a part of “walks into a bar” jokes that you’ll probably never hear two people telling those jokes without hearing some punny ones.

But they do exist:

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” He hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives the ape only 15 cents change.

The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many of your kind in here.”

The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I won’t be coming back, either.”

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t sell peanuts.”

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and again says, “I want to buy some peanuts.”

The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, “I told you yesterday, I don’t sell peanuts.”

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, “I want to buy some peanuts!”

The outraged bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!”

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, “Do you have any nails?”

The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, “Sorry, we don’t have nails.”

The duck asks, “Well then, do you have any peanuts?”

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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he tries to strike up a conversation, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”

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 If you liked the horse walks into a bar joke I led with, here’s another:

A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him in alarm and yells, “Hey!”

The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

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If you thought the midget joke I told after the horse joke was insensitive, I apologize.  But that won’t stop me from telling another.

A midget walks into a bar.   He says, “Ouch!”

A second midget walks into a bar.   He says, “Ouch!”

The third midget ducks.

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Since I’m being insensitive to height-challenged people, I might as well add sexism to my offenses.

Two big Welsch ladies walk into a bar

They order drinks, in their thick accent.

“You two ladies from Ireland?” asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them corrects him, “Wales!”

“Oh I’m so sorry,” says the bartender, “Are you two whales from Ireland?”

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What the heck.  I might as well add lawyers to the list of those I’ve insulted:

A guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are idiots.”

The man at the end of the bar says” I object to that remark”.

The guy responds: “Why, are you a lawyer?”

The man answers, “No, I’m an idiot.”

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In my enthusiasm for “walks into a bar” jokes, I hope I haven’t offended any of my readers.  It would hurt me so much to lose any of you that it might even drive me to drink.

The only good thing about me taking up alcohol would be that, “a short, fat, bald, old teetotaler walks into a bar,” sounds like the perfect beginning for a joke to me.

Just sayin’.  

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