Old Age is Not for Sissies.

When I was a young man, I’d wake up, jump out of bed, and take on the day.  Now, I wake up, lie in bed, and take inventory.

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I’ve found that what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work

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My new fitness goal is to be able to tie my shoes and breathe at the same time.

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I saw a teenager playing on her cell phone the other day.  She looked at me and said, “I know what you’re thinking.  I’m just another lamebrained teenager wasting time on my phone.  Well, with this phone I have access to thousands of books and movies.  I can look things up and learn new things.  And it fits in my hand.”

I smiled and said, “When I was your age, I had an even smaller wireless device that gave me access to all that, and it fit in my wallet. 

“It was called a library card.”

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I was in the doctor’s office.  She told me, “Your lab tests show that you’re doing great for a 60-year-old.”

I said, “Do you think I’ll live to be 90?”

She asked a string of questions, “Do you smoke, use tobacco, or drink alcohol?  Do you eat a lot of red meat or barbecued food?  Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like golfing, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?  Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

I shook my head, “No, I don’t do any of those.”

They doc’s eyebrows rose, “Then why do you want to live to be 90?”

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A different doctor told me, “You know, at your age you might want to start thinking about the hereafter.”

I assured him, “I do that all the time,”

“You do?” he asked.

I nodded, “Every time I walk into a room I think, ‘What the heck did I come in here after?’”

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My doctor has no sense of humor.  I was seeing him about my back pain.  He told me, “Well, you’re getting old,” so I told him I wanted a second opinion.  He said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

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One of the few good things about getting old is that your friends won’t tell any of your secrets.  They can’t remember them.

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It took me a lot of years to get my head together, then my body started falling apart.

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Things are really starting to click for me…my knees, my elbows, my neck…

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When I finally started getting my “stuff together,” I forgot where I put it.

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I realized I was going bald when it kept taking me longer and longer to wash my face.

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Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

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Three sure signs you’re getting older are forgetfulness.

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In my old age, I’m getting forgetful, but at least I’m not getting forgetful.

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Regular naps help prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

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I’m done with wild oats.  It’s more like prunes and bran flakes for me now.

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My old friend is living proof that you have to get older, but you don’t have to get wiser.  Instead, He’s getting older and wider.

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I discovered the secret to having a smoking hot body in your old age.  Cremation.

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The old guy thought his wife was losing her hearing.  To be sure he went 20 feet behind her and asked, “Can you hear me, sweetheart?”  No reply so he moved up to 10 feet and asked again, “Can you hear me, honey?”  Still no reply so he walked right up to her and said into her ear, “Can you hear me, darling?” 

She said, “For the third time, yes.”

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My wife asked me if I knew the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one. 

I said, “I imagine it’s the taste.”

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If someone knows a cure for deafness, give me a shout.

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My friend’s teeth are like stars in the sky; they come out at night.

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Bob Hope once said you know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than your birthday cake.

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My wife told me the other day that I’m getting to be like a classic car.  Every time I try to start, I cough, sputter, and backfire.

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Daniel slept in a lions’ den.  Peter slept in prison.  Jesus slept in a storm.  No matter your circumstances, you can take a nap.

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The doctor asked if I’d thought about going on a diet and I said I’m on the seafood diet.

He asked me to explain and I clarified, “If I see food, I eat it.”

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Annie was in the beauty shop the other day and overheard the beautician tell a 92-year-old woman, “There, your hair is done and you look ten years younger.”

The lady growled, “Great. I always wanted to look like an 82-year-old woman.”

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You know you’re getting old when you look into the mirror while shaving, and realize your father is looking back at you.

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I really don’t want to eat health food.  I figure I can use all the preservatives I can get.

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I overheard three older ladies at Wal-Mart the other day.  As they stepped out the door, one said, “It’s windy today.”

The next one countered, “No, it’s Thursday.”

The third one commented, “Me too!  Let’s go get some tea!”

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Annie was giving me a hard time because I kept forgetting things.  Trying to shut her up, I got up to get some ice cream and asked if she wanted me to get her some.

She said, sure, but she’d like some strawberries and whipped cream on top.  Then she asked me to write it down so I wouldn’t forget.

I told her my memory is just fine.

A few minutes later I said, “Here’s your bacon and eggs.”

She said, “I told you you’d forget.  You didn’t bring my toast!”

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The news channel sent a reporter to interview a man on his 100^th birthday.  The first question was, “What’s your secret for living so long?”

The old fellow growled, “I didn’t stop breathing.”

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I wrote out my will last week.  It may be the shortest one ever.  It consisted of one line, “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.

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All kidding aside, I don’t mind getting older.  After all, it’s a heck of a lot better than the alternative.

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