The World According to Pfiefer

There is an illness that usually befalls people in their early to mid-twenties.  Symptoms are milder in some than in others.  It may fester for years, with flareups from time to time, but it really erupts into full-blown episodes about the time they become grandparents.

An imminent flare-up is often preceded by the victim spouting the words, “Let me tell you what my grandbaby did.”

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A grandparent who does not think their grandkids are the cutest, smartest, and funniest little person to ever walk the earth is the exception rather than the rule.

I’m not the exception.  I’ve got it bad!  So, when I happened across one of my daughters-in-law’s Facebook page and found a collection of anecdotes and quotes she had assembled from her kids, my heart swelled with pride.  I’m still chuckling from how cute, smart, and funny my grandbabies are.

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Erin is married to my eldest son, Scott, and they have two incredible kids.  Pfiefer will turn eight next week, and her little brother, Payden, just turned three.  Here’s you chance to get to know them.

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One cool day, Erin wanted to give her car time to warm up before she took the kids out to strap them in.  Erin absent-mindedly told her daughter, “Pfief, remind me to start the car in five minutes.”

Without missing a beat, Pfiefer replied, “Mom, you know I can’t tell time, right?”

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Another time, Erin needed to load them up for a trip, and she called out for her daughter, “Pfiefer, are you ready yet?”

My granddaughter’s lyrical little voice wafted into the room, “Sorry, I was just admiring myself.”

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Looking at the new lace gloves she had gotten for spring photos, Pfiefer observed, “These look like Madonna gloves.  I mean, I don’t know who that is, but they do.”

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Trying to supervise children dressing, while getting ready herself, Erin must have been giving her kids updates on their dwindling time because Pfiefer noted, “Mom, you sound like that lady who tells us where to go in the car in the mornings.”  Then, mocking the GPS, “‘You have 15 minutes.’”

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Pfiefer was looking at some childhood photos of Erin and, noting the hairstyles and outfits, said, “Mommy, you kind of looked like a pilgrim when you were little.”

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Children may be known for their cuteness, but not for being particularly tactful.  Sometimes, the very absence of tact makes them all the more cute. 

Erin was busy one day with her never-ending efforts to keep the house neat and clean while raising two children and a husband, when Pfiefer walked into the room.

“Mommy, what are you doing?”

“Trying to organize a little bit.”

I can imagine Pfiefer raising an eyebrow as she observed, “A LITTLE bit?  Organize a LOT!”

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As I’ve said, Pfiefer has an admirable wit, and she knows it.  Sometimes she gets amused by something she’s just said.  One day, Erin overheard her daughter say, “I am so-o-o silly.  Oh, Pfiefer!”

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Like any great dad, Scotty looks out for his kids, making sure they are ready for weather conditions.  One day he asked, “Do you want your hat?  Yours ears must be cold, or is your hair keeping your ears warm?”

Pfiefer flipped her hair and answered with a breathy, “It’s a girl thing.”

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In (hopefully) the middle of the COVID pandemic, Scotty asked, “Pfiefer, are you gonna be safe?”

Pfief shook her head vigorously, “No, I’m not gonna be safe; I’m gonna be doomed!”

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Another time, after being cautioned about wearing protection, she quipped, “I would be delighted to wear a mask!”

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Rubbing good-smelling hand sanitizer on her hands, she announced to her family, “Don’t get it too close or else you’ll bust your smellers!”

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Children sometimes have a way of letting us know exactly where we fit in their lives.  Maybe that’s what Pfiefer was doing when she commented, “Mommy, I love you slightly more than the kitten.”

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Another time, Erin made pancakes for breakfast and she pointed out to her daughter, “Pfiefer, I got some wipes for you guys to wipe the syrup off of your fingers.”

Pfief explained, “Mom, I don’t use wipes; I use licks.”

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At breakfast one morning, my sweet-toothed granddaughter pointed out, “If there is one way to ruin a donut, it’s taking it away from me!”

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Another time, at the table, she told her mom, “I don’t want any mandarin oranges; I’m not feeling very fruity today.”

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Speaking of food, my granddaughter seems to have picked up some things from the food critics on TV.  They were eating ice cream one time and Pfiefer commented, “I have to say, I like the vanilla better than the chocolate.”

Another time, Erin asked, “Pfiefer, is your cottage cheese good?”

Pfiefer answered, “Yep! It’s cheesy AND cottagy!”

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Speaking of cleanliness, Erin was trying to praise her daughter for good hygiene when she said, “Pfief, you have been doing a great job remembering to sanitize your hands lately after (using) the restroom.”

Pfiefer slowly turned her head towards Erin while rubbing her hands together like some evil villain out of an old movie and spoke in a slow, precise, almost British voice, “Have I?”

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I hope she was thinking about good personal hygiene when she observed, “Why is it called diarrhea? It should be called slurpy poop.”

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Looking at an island-themed game Erin had on her phone, “Mommy, that island looks kind of walkie-the-plankie.”

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At a friend’s eighth birthday party, Pfief quipped, “I can’t believe Kaylee is eight; it seems like just yesterday she was seven.”

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Payden is two-years into his battle with leukemia, and the family has to watch their money closely.  Pfiefer is well aware and doing her part.  She was going on a walk with her mom once and heard the ice cream truck coming down the street but knew the expense wasn’t in the budget that day.  Pfief joked, “I’m bringing a blanket to cry on.”

With Christmas getting closer, she told her mom, “I’ll just ask Santa for an American Girl doll so it saves you guys money. I know it’s expensive.”

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Her generosity has its limits though.

Erin and Scott are both teachers.  One day Erin teased her daughter, “Pfief, would you do me a favor?  Can you do all my teacher work for me?”

Pfiefer spouted, “I’d rather stick my head in the toilet.”

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Pfiefer may be catching on that not everyone has the same happy-go-lucky attitude toward life that she does.  She came home one day to tell her parents, “I’m starting to see that my teachers aren’t really into jokes.”

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With her quick wit and sharp mind, I know, even if her teachers aren’t really into jokes, her Granny and Pa are.  She can call or visit us anytime she wants to tell us a joke.  Her jokes are FUNNY!

If you don’t believe me, let me tell you what my granddaughter did…

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