How Many Dogs

Somebody sent me this last week. 

With the title, “How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?” it piqued my interest.  But then again, it could be something really, really lame written by one of those people who kisses their dogs on the mouth.

Yuk!

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I noticed it was written from the dog’s point of view so that was the first strike against it, but the version I received had the Labrador retriever first and I like Labs, so I read it.  The best humor is based in truth and the statement sounded so much like every  Lab we ever had that I went on and read the whole thing.

On the writer went, legitimizing every stereotype of many dog species I was familiar with. 

I caught myself chuckling a few time, so I thought I’d share the whole thing with you. 

I knew I should locate its author first and ask permission.  Searching on the internet I found lots of sites that had different variations of it but none seemed to claim it or know where it came from, so I must assume it is in the public domain.

I combined the best ones for each breed; rewrote some for clarity; and eliminated the ones that sounded like they were written by someone carrying a grudge against a particular breed.

So here is my version of it.

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How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Old English Sheepdog: “Light bulb? What light bulb?  I don’t see a light bulb.”

Golden Retriever: “The sun is shining and the day is young.  We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us so why worry about a burned-out light bulb?”

Border Collie: “I can do it all by myself and I’ll check all the other lightbulbs in the house.  Heck, I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.”

Greyhound: “Why?  It isn’t moving. Who cares?”

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!”

Poodle: “I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it for me.”

Rotweiller: “Make me.  Go on, try to make me.”

Shih tzu: “Pul-leeze, dahling, I have servants for that kind of thing.”

Labrador Retriever: “Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeease let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?”

Alaskan Malamute: “Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.”

Cocker Spaniel: “Why change it? You can’t see me pee on the carpet in the dark and I’m GOING to pee on the carpet; we both know I am.”

Australian Shepherd: “First I’ll gather all the bulbs in a circle…”

Jack Russell Terrier: “I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture and…”

Bulldog: “Just one, but it will take me a while…about three years I guess, when I get around to it.”

Boxer: “But I LIKE to play with my squeaky toy in the dark.”

Doberman Pinscher: “While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

Mastiff: “Why?  Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.”

American Eskimo: “I can show you 12 ways to screw in that bulb.”

Pug: “Uh, two. Or maybe one. No.  No.  Definitely two.  Is that OK with you?”

German Shepherd: “I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people out of the dark; checked to make sure I haven’t missed any; and made just one more perimeter check to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.”

Beagle: “Light bulb? Light bulb? I ate a light bulb?  I thought it tasted funny.”

Chihuahua: “Yo quiero Taco Bulb.”

Irish Wolfhound: “Why?  It’s not hurting anything.”

Pointer: “I see it! There it is! Right there!”

Great Dane: “Just give me back my blanket and do it yourself.”

Siberian Husky: “Light bulb?  I ate the light bulb, and the lamp, and the coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and…”

Bassett Hound: “Zzzzzzzz.”

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OK, I’ve had a little fun with dogs.  Cat owners are probably feeling left out.  But fear not, my friend.  Here’s yours.

Cat: “You need light to see?  That’s so sweet.  If you want it changed, change it yourself.  When can I expect you to be done so you can feed me?  You’ll have to go to the store first because I don’t want the food you have.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  You’ll have to go get something else.  I probably won’t like it but you can try…”

Dogs have masters.  Cats have staff.

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