Bubba J’s Caronavirus Journal

My old friend Bubba J. never writes.  I mean NEVER.  He doesn’t even text.  So, you can understand how surprised I was to get a letter from him yesterday.

With the ongoing pandemic, many people have lots of time on their hands.  Well it seems Bubba’s been keeping a journal in which he puts down his thoughts on life in the time of the coronavirus.  He sent me a copy of last week’s journal and I thought I’d share it with you.

——————————————

Bubba J’s Caronavirus Journal

Day 1:  I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to outlast this pandemic.

Day 1 plus 45 minutes: I am at the supermarket because I wanted a Twix.

Did you know that this year is the Chinese Year of the Rat?  It seems appropriate that it started out with a plague.

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.  After all, it was made in China.

It’s not “social distancing,” it’s “taking an oath of solitude.”

I never thought I’d have to yell at my parents for going out.

I’ve figured out why the virus is spreading so fast.  When people catch a cold, they say, “I feel terrible.  I just want to stay in bed and do nothing.”  But people with the coronavirus say, “I feel terrible.  I think I’ll go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower, and maybe do some white-water rafting in Camino de Santiago.”

I feel like nature has sent us all to our rooms for being bad.

My Native American friend, Joseph Eagle-Feather, told me, “America sure is having some bad luck.  It’s almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.”

Has anybody let the Amish know what’s going on yet?

Once they come out with a coronavirus vaccine, I don’t want to see any of you antivaxxers getting the shot.  Don’t be a hypocrite.

Prediction: Nine months from now there will be a baby boom, then, one day in 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaran-teens.

——————————————

Day 2:  Still no sports.  Found a woman sitting on my couch yesterday.  Apparently, she’s my wife.  She seems nice.

A thousand years from now, archeologists will dig up a city from 2020.  One will say, “They all died of a disease.”

Another will answer, “Yeah, but did you notice how clean their butts are?”

If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.

Still no toilet paper in the stores. They’re wiped out and we’re crap out of luck.

I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have gotten in the last 10 years.

Then two guys with masks came in, and everyone was relieved that they were just robbing the place.

Things I’ve learned in the last few weeks:  1. Coronavirus is a novel virus.  2. The mortality rate is estimated at around 4%.  3. Coronavirus is transmitted much like the flu.  4. The elderly and those with compromised immune systems are the most susceptible to coronavirus complications.  5. I now realize how often I touch my face.

——————————————

Day 3: I just ate the last of my quarantine snacks.

One of my coworkers called in to work.  He said he had a case of Corona.  It turns out he was talking about the beer.

I asked him about it, and he said, “You remember the old saying, ‘starve a cold, feed a fever, drink a Corona.’”

What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a Corona; hold the virus.

I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.

I’ve been trying to do everything I’ve been told, to slow the spread of the virus.  I’ve washed my hands so many times that my crib notes from high school are showing through.  I’m starting to look like the original Terminator after he peeled the skin off his arm.

After our nation passed 2000 cases, President Trump got a phone call from the president of Mexico.  He wants us to hurry and finish the wall.

Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.

What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? A wurst kase scenario.

I heard a guy on TV last week saying, “A couple weeks of isolation with your family will be fun.  What can go wrong?”

He obviously hasn’t seen The Shining.

You’ve heard of the butterfly effect, right?  According to Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park, “A butterfly can flap its wings in Peking and in Central Park you get rain instead of sunshine.”  Well, now we have the bat effect.  A guy eats bat soup in Wuhan Province, and a family runs out of toilet paper in the United States.

While it’s taking a while for the coronavirus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.

——————————————

Day 4: I had planned on using the stay-at-home order as an opportunity to improve my health.  Today I had pretzels and beer while watching TV for 16 hours.

Every day, when my friend goes to work, He has to fill out a paper saying if there’s a chance he’s been exposed.  He got in trouble last week because, one of the questions is, “Have you been to any countries in the past two weeks that is experiencing an outbreak of coronavirus?”

He answered, “Yes, the U.S.A.”

You remember how the movies told us the apocalypse would involve zombies and total anarchy?  Well it turns out we have social distancing and no toilet paper.

I used to think my apocalypse outfit would be something a Roman gladiator would wear.  Instead, it looks like a middle-age man in sweat pants.

Just in case any of the kids come home, I put up my old military C.P. tent in the back yard.  I had just watched a movie directed by Quentin Tarantino, so I named the structure, Tentin’ Quarantino.

Back in my day, when you had gas, you’d cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but we’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

Did you hear the joke about the germ?  Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke?  Be patient.

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centers and tanning places are closed.  It’s about to get ugly out there.

I heard about a guy who ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers.  Times are rough.

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

——————————————

Day 5: It’s really upsetting me to see my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Thanks to the quarantine, I am finding it harder to end phone calls.  Just yesterday I was talking to a friend and said, “I hate to do this but I have to let you go.  I have to go… do…uh, something.”

I saw a new t-shirt online that I want to buy.  It says, “Coronavirus World Tour, 2020.”

If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die, I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me.

All this talk about coronavirus has the people who make hand sanitizing gel rubbing their hands together.

I heard that an old lady in St. Louis died because of the coronavirus.  In her house they found 1000 cans of food, 100 pounds of pasta, 160 pounds of rice, 300 rolls of toilet paper, and 50 quarts of hand sanitizer which she had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock-piled “just in case.”

It all collapsed and buried her.

——————————————

Day 6: The news guy said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied.  Everyone else had clothes on.

One of my single friends told me, “I know I’ve never been all that attractive, but lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.”

He was using the pickup line, “Are you the coronavirus?  You’re sure taking my breath away.”

My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.  But look at me now; I’m saving the world.

With coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.

I’ve gotten really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of coronavirus puns.

You’re all formally invited not to attend my coronation.

OK, I’ve shared a lot of coronavirus jokes with you.  I’d tell more but I don’t want to start a pundemic.

——————————————

Day 7: This week has been the longest year of my life.

——————————————

Thanks for letting me share your journal, Bubba J.  I hope to hear from you again soon.

——————————————

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE AT THE UPPER RIGHT. IT’S FREE!

You will ONLY receive notifications when I post new entries to my blog.

Go to the top of the right hand column where it says, “SUBSCRIBE TO BLOG VIA EMAIL”.  Fill in your email and hit the “Subscribe” button.  You will receive a verification email.  Please confirm that you want to subscribe by clicking, “Confirm Follow” and you will be set!  Thanks!

It doesn’t seem to work from a cell phone, only a computer.  I don’t know why.  Sorry.  If there’s a problem, send me your email address and I’ll sign you up.

——————————————