Let’s talk about pain.

This post is particularly pertinent to me right now.

Let’s talk about pain.

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I’ve experienced a lot of pain in my life. 

I’ve broken bones.  Well, one bone, but it was broken in seven places. 

I’ve endured severe cuts with copious bleeding, like the time my left thumb was nearly severed by a chainsaw.  Yes, a chainsaw. 

I’ve had third degree burns.  Third degree is when the flesh actually begins to cook, more like barbecue.  It can turn black and is completely dead.

I’ve had plant poison on me that ate away the flesh and left what didn’t die with a mushy texture like rotten fruit. 

I’ve heard a doctor tell me that my son wouldn’t live to see the morning.  I’ve seen friends die.  I’ve seen loved ones die.  I was with Mom when she went to her reward.  I was holding Dad’s hand when he passed away.  I’ve held a grandchild who was stillborn and held another in my hands as he lost his battle with life.

Those pains were bad.  Some were horrible.  Some were almost more than I could bear.

But there is another kind of pain. 

The pain of betrayal.

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Betrayal by a friend hurts but is not unbearable.  It just means the friendship is over; severely damaged at the least.

The betrayal of close relatives is tougher.  By close relatives I mean those in my family, even extended family, I’ve known for our entire lives and loved because of the familiarity and the parts of our lives we’ve had in common.

The betrayal of siblings is even more difficult because we should have been raised pretty much the same.  We should have similar morals.  We should care enough about our parents and each other that we never want to see anyone of us hurt.  That hurts more than some others because it is wrapped in an inability to understand.

“Why would my sister (or brother) want to betray my trust…to hurt me?  Why?”

Betrayal of a parent is so difficult to deal with that I think it has probably caused more people to have mental issues than any other.

Perhaps the worst form of betrayal is the betrayal of a spouse.  You’ve invested your life in them.  You’ve given them your love.  Maybe you’ve even had children with them.

Thank God I don’t have to worry about that kind of betrayal.

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In a life where I have been betrayed by so many people close to me, many who I should have been able to trust with my love, my money, or my life, I have trouble trusting people with anything important. 

I’ll trust pretty much anybody with the price of a soda and then not worry about it.  If they don’t pay it back, I’m not out much, and I’ve learned a lesson.  I loaned a friend (a single mother) over $100 in the middle of winter, to help pay her rent and gas bill.  I told her I didn’t need or want it back, as I knew her need was genuine.  She did pay it back, and proved that my trust in her was not misplaced.  I’ve given my kids much more than that, and they’ve proven time and again that they appreciate it and are happy to pay me back in kind or in trade.  Heck, they let my grandkids visit me (or visa versa), which is worth way more than anything I’ve ever given them.

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Annie and I had to work out a few issues early in our marriage.  We talked about our pasts and about misunderstandings that cropped up from time to time.  We were honest with each other even when it hurt to do it.  We built that confidence, that belief in each other that, no matter what, we would never intentionally let one another down.  At the same time, we had to cultivate in ourselves the understanding that, on those times when we unintentionally let each other down, it wasn’t on purpose, and it was never with the intent to hurt.

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Because I have been, and sometimes still am, betrayed by so many people I should be able to believe in, I don’t give love and trust easily.  It’s difficult for me to surrender to someone when it comes to the big things in life: my love and trust.  I just can’t give them easily.  They don’t always go along together, either.  Some people have earned one but not the other.  Even when I trust someone with those, my experience has instilled in me the need to deal with my suspicion and doubt.  Once betrayed, my trust is hard to regain.

Annie has worked through my doubts and mistrust, but she knows it still rears its ugly head from time to time.  She has proven time and again that there is no reason to doubt or mistrust her.  I know I would gladly step in front of a bullet for her and I know that she cares about me more than she cares about herself.

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Annie, for those reasons and so many more, I give you all my love and trust.  I love you more than life itself.

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Will you be mine?

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