Have a cupa…

 

There are few things I like better than sitting on the front porch swing with Annie.  We’ll talk about the grandkids and the kids and the dogs as we each sip a cup of coffee.  Our favorite coffee cups are a couple that two of our grandkids gave us.  Mine says, “Best Pa Ever!” and hers says, “Best Granny Ever!”

Annie has a couple other cups but I have several.  She told me I need to stop collecting them because they take up too much room in the cabinet.

One of these days I plan to build a cabin in the woods.  Among the plans I have for it is to put up some hooks to hang my coffee cup collection so that others can enjoy them.  That will justify me buying a few more.  I just need to trim down the list of ones I want.

Such as the ones I’m going to tell you about.

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Like I said, I already own more than Annie wants me to have, and I also told you about the cup that says, “Best Pa Ever!”  Besides that there is the one I got off the U.S.S. Spiegel Grove when I was aboard her.  The Spiegel Grove sits at the bottom of the ocean off the Florida coast now, but I still have the cup.  I have a couple with Marine Corps emblems on them, and one that says, “Malden Green Wave.”  What those mean to me should be obvious.  There is another I bought three of, and gave two to a couple my sons.  It says, “If you’re not hurting feelings, you’re losing.”  That appeals to my frustrations with the modern political correctness gone crazy movement.

Now, even with a cabin, there will be a limit to how many cups I can keep around without looking like I’m opening a coffee shop.  So I did a quick search on eBay for ideas of what’s out there.  I found a lot, most of which even I found goofy, but there were plenty that I liked.

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Say you’re having a birthday.  If somebody wanted to get you a coffee cup as a gift, they could choose one of these.

“Happy birthday; another year closer to incontinence pants.”

“I was going to get you a really funny mug…but then I thought about your age and bladder control… …I don’t want to be responsible for you wetting your pants!  Happy Birthday!”

“Happy Birthday.  Me and you is friends…you smile, I smile…you hurt, I hurt…you cry, I cry…you jump off a bridge, I gonna miss you.”

“Who needs hair with a body like this?”

“Struggling hair farmer.”

How about the one that has a man’s face with a full beard?  “Don’t hate me because I’m beardiful.”

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With birthdays, comes increasing age.  No, it didn’t take me long to figure that out.  And with advancing age we start thinking of retirement.  What do you think of these cups?

One had a picture of a rocking chair and a wheelchair and said, “Retired.  I’m ready to rock and roll.”

“Ask me if I care; I’m retired!”

Annie might like the one that said, “Retirement – Twice as much husband…half as much money.”

“Strategic retirement plan: 1. Nap  2. Eat  3. Relax  4. Repeat

“I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.”

“Be one with the couch.”

“Boldly going nowhere.”

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As we age and retire, we tend to gain weight and look out of shape, even if we try to work out, so we might as well have fun with it, even act like we don’t care…or we really don’t care about it.  For that we might like one of these.

“Does running late count as exercise?”

“Exercise!  …ex…er…cise – ex…ar…siize – eggs…are…sides…for…bacon…  BACON!”

“Abs are cool, but have you tried donuts?”

“I’m in shape!  Round is a shape!”

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Besides birthdays and retirement, among the greatest events in my life was becoming a father.  I believe I know my sons well enough that, if they wanted to buy me a cup, they might have chosen one of these.

“Dad’s Favorite Sayings – 5) They don’t make them like they used to.  4) Do you think I’m made of money?  3) Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.  2) When I was your age…  1) I’m not sleeping I’m just resting my eyes.”

“Best farter ever!  I mean father.”

“Dad, you’ve always been like a father to me.”

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Those of us who survive parenthood may become grandparents.  Then we can buy some other really cool cups.

“Great dads get promoted to Grandpas.”

“Grandpa – n. 1. Man who gives great advice and is always encouraging and supportive.  2. Storyteller and provider of treats.  3. Fixer of all things broken.”

“Grandpa knows everything, and if he doesn’t, he’s really good at making something up!”

“I’ve been called a lot of names but Grandpa is my favorite.”

“No matter how hard life gets at least I don’t have ugly grandchildren.”

If I do a good job as a grandpa, my grandkids might get me one of these.  “Dear Grandpa.  Thanks for being my grandpa.  If I had a different grandpa, I would kick him in the face and go find you.  Love, Your favorite.”

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Of course, Annie became a grandmother when I became a grandpa.  I know, “duh,” right?  That made her eligible for a cup like this.

“Grandma – like Mom but without all the rules.”

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Speaking of Annie, she might enjoy one of these.

“We can’t all be a princess.  Someone has to clap as I go by.”

“The relationship between a man and a woman is psychological; one is psycho, the other logical.”

“When I married Mr. Right, I didn’t know his first name was Always.”

“I do not spew profanities.  I enunciate them clearly, like a freaking lady.”

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When her sister comes to visit, she might grab one of these.

“Happiness is…annoying your sister.”

“I smile because you’re my sister.  I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Sisters are like chubby thighs: they stick together.”

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I hope all my readers will agree that I’m a writer.  So I liked some writing/English/grammar oriented cups.

“I before e, except after c, and also when you heinously seize your feisty foreign neighbor’s conceited beige heifer from the ceiling.  Weird.”

“Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme.”

“Let’s eat, Timmy.  (Correct at the dinner table)  “Let’s eat Timmy.  (Correct on a life raft in the middle of the ocean)”

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Then there are some cups that might appeal to some people, due to their chosen profession or pastime.

“Photographers love to flash people.”

“Gardening…cheaper than therapy…and you get tomatoes.”

“I will not shout in class.  I will not throw things.  I will not have a temper tantrum.  I will be good, because I am the teacher.”

One covered in water droplets, “These are the tears of my students.”

“I’m an engeneer engineer engenere.  I’m good with math.”

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Of course, there are some that don’t lend themselves to categorization, which I guess puts them in the “miscellaneous” a category?”

“Does it look like I care?”

“It’s only funny until someone gets hurt; then it’s hilarious!”

“The police never think it’s as funny as you do.”

One cup had a painting of a frog holding a shotgun, “Hippity Hoppity, get off my property.”

“Hey, I’ll be back in 5 minutes, but if I’m not, just read this message again.”

“If you could just shut the heck up…that would be lovely.”

“I’m sorry, but your opinion means very little to me.”

“Insanity does not run in my family.  Rather, it strolls through, taking its time, getting to know everyone personally.”

“Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.”

“Team Introverts.  We’re here, we’re awkward, and we want to go home.”

“Don’t you think, if I were wrong, I’d know it?”

“I may be wrong but I doubt it.”

“Patience is such a waste of time!”

“Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is just an idiot and isn’t worth your time.”

“The only thing I hate more than having a dirty house is cleaning.”

“I’m confused…No…Wait…Maybe not.”

“I graduated.  Now I’m like smart and stuff.”

“Nope.”

“I’m sexy.  Don’t question it; just deal with it.”

“People like you are the reason why people like me need medication.”

“My job is top secret.  I don’t even know what I’m doing.”

“I’m not crazy; I’m just special!  No wait…maybe I am crazy.  Hang on…I need to talk to myself about this.”

“I flunked anger management.”

“Does NOT play well with others.”

“I want to ki__ you.  (Options may vary.)”

“Warning!  Due to the price increase on ammo, do not expect a warning shot.”

“I’m actually not funny, I’m just mean and people think I must be joking.”

“I am invincible…so far.”

“I am not bossy.  I just know what you should be doing.”

“Of course I talk to myself.  Sometimes I need expert advice.”

“I would love to explain it to you but I don’t have any crayons.”

“I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”

“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”

“Take my advice!  I’m not using it.”

“Don’t make me call out the flying monkeys.”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

“Let me drop everything and work on your problem.”

“Me?  Sarcastic?  Never.”

“If I was a bird, I know who I’d poop on.”

“Just be happy I’m not a twin.”

“Stop global whining.”

“I didn’t do it and I’ll never do it again.”

“I didn’t do it.  Nobody saw me do it.  You can’t prove anything.”

“I’m not saying I’m Superman.  I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Superman in the same room together.”

“I never finish anythi…”

“W.W.J.D.? – Who Wants Jelly Donuts?”

“There is no gravity…earth sucks!”

“I’m a ray of freaking sunshine.”

“Professional duct taper for hire.”

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Of course, none of these coffee cups is much good to a person who doesn’t drink coffee.  Yes, you can use them for tea or hot cocoa, but real men drink coffee.  Annie might argue that real men drink their coffee black, but let her have her opinion and let me have my cream and sugar.  Anyway, coffee drinkers might agree that their day can’t really start until that first cupa Joe.

“You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy coffee, and that’s pretty close.”

“Life begins after coffee.”

“I’m not a morning person.”

“To do list:  1. Wake up.  2. Drink coffee.  3. Poop.  4. Be awesome.”

“I drink coffee for your protection.”

One was marked like a measuring cup but it had only three marks.  The top mark said, “Don’t talk.”  The middle one said, “Getting there.”  And the bottom one, “Okay, talk.”

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But I guess my favorite one expressed the way I feel before my first cup of coffee.  It said, “I hate morning people…and mornings…and people.”

Yeah.

 

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